Self Pity Babble.

The weather has been crazy lately and I haven't been able to access the Internet. I like rain and thunderstorms but this is like a cyclone.

Anyway I had to wait outside as the elements howled around me for a brief moment today, and I pondered about what to write.

I have had to ‘edit’ this severely, so it would be amiable and A – ok, it has been very therapeutic for me to focus on.

I don’t want people to forget that there is another whole side to this, the quiet destructive constant anger of feeling vulnerable & useless, of being a strong active father, of being a good hairstylist, of being an experienced musician, of telling others about my life experiences through writing, photography, music, hair, art, food ETC, how having life as you have known it for 32 years taken away or dramatically altered.

I, like most young healthy people, intended on finding financial comfort and success in order to share it and look after family and friends.
All of those dreams and affirmations of success seem dashed for me.

There is a tough economic climate right now and it’s a bad time to have superannuation or money tied up in a badly performing financial institution.
Things like a nice superannuation to retire with or a healthy investment are gone so I can forget making money with my own two hands and supporting my mum.
Instead my mum looks after me.

NOT at all what I had planned.

My Grandfather, on my mums side is 96, (god bless him), and is struggling to keep his independence, when I talk to him he pretends to understand me but catches very little of what I say.

Very Heartbreaking.

Can you imagine what my two children must think, let alone my 96 year old grandfather?

How a fit, strong, independent man can be struck down and have so much taken away?
It may be easier to blame it on a wreck of sorts or an overdose. (thankfully we can’t blame either of those).

I am 32 and struggling to keep my independence.

There is something VERY wrong with this picture.

I’m sorry if you read this for an amusing perspective of what’s happening for me.
This piece is far from amusing.

I face this oppression and negativity CONSTANTLY.
I wait in disbelief for some good news.
There must be SOME!.......No..... Again....

I can’t get angry and hit a punch bag normally, nor just hop on my drum kit and play normally to get tensions out, nor can I get out a good hearty cry because my stupid illness restricts me.
Frustrating is an understatement!

If you add on not being able to just go for a quick drive, constant financial stress, unknown health issues, a serious amount of energy just to wake up, people constantly worrying, CONSTANT setbacks it would wear you down and make it all seem futile too.

Now we are scratching the surface of what it is like to be in my shoes for 24 hours.

With all this bad luck you would have thought I killed a China man.