Clouded Vision.

I am doing it rough at the moment.
Having gone through some really bad things over the years it has given me an unreadable shell. Until I explode.
I am human.
I woke up today as I have for the last few days and rolled out of my fold out sofa bed without making my bed.
May not seem like a major thing to some.

I have a cloud of “why bother” with me wherever I go and whatever I do, mostly I ignore it.
I know that absolutely EVERYTHING I do is hard and results in some things I do as near to normal or REALLY bad, I have a red hot go anyway, I love progress and learning and I realize I have to learn things all over again but the cloud of negativity is always present in my conscience telling me that what I am doing is pointless. (from breathing, swallowing to walking, talking and catching the bus)
I am not terminally ill but then again nothing is known about this STUPID affliction that has ruined every aspect of my life as I knew it.
I feel like I am powerless.
I AM powerless.
An incredibly lonely feeling.
If you are reading this and are thinking ‘get over it’, I feel the same way. I have had 32 years on this planet as a strong young man that has endured some very major things. I despise self pity. Negativity is a relentless downward spiral, therefore I believe that if I entertain it and make it feel it’s welcome in my life it will take me and consume me and grow.
An ever present cloud of “why bother” over me.
Like trying to constantly ignore a bully that is always there to let you know of your mistakes even if you haven’t made one.
Anyway it occasionally gets me down and right now is one of those moments.

The relevance with the unmade bed is that bed is the most sacred place for me, I can sleep and maybe wake up feeling like my strong, healthy normal self again.
My unmade bed reminds me that I couldn’t ‘be bothered’ right from when I woke and rolled out of bed.
This cloud never leaves. I wish it would.